the first time i met him. he was funny. ever so charming. the way he walked. the way he carried himself. his style. my heart captured it all. i didnt know who he was initially. but i do know that he was someone i could have fun with, always making me laugh. then it occured to me that my cousin was in the process of getting to know him. so there i was, clueless of what was going on. but i knew deep down that i had a teeny crush on this pakistani mixed boy. since my cousin had something going on with him, i thought ‘okay maybe i should just let them be, support them all the way. cuz you know thats what cousins are for’. but as days passed, i somehow felt more for him. and the feeling didnt stop growing.

i lived two years knowing that my cousin is wit the guy i couldnt be with. the guy im in love with. the guy who never fail to make me smile. i got close to him. talked to him every night. but i guess, he only talked to him cuz he felt bad since he knew about how i felt about him. which guy would talk to a girl he knows has feelings for him? normal guys would avoid me. but he didnt. so anyway his rship with my cousin grew. my heart ached every time i hear anythg about them. my heart ached whenever i see them together. once i saw them kissing and i almost died. well, yea almost. i put up a brave front cuz i wanted my cousin to know that i’d support her, whatever it takes. cuz we’re blood. deep down, i was shattered. i cried every time i came home from our usually gatherings. cuz my heart just couldnt take the pain. but as time went by, i cried less. and even much lesser cuz the i was immune to the pain. it was like a usual thing.

soon, he became my bestfriend. someone i rely on. he was my company. he was the person i looked for whenever i had something exciting to share. he was the person i told everythg to. he was the person who i felt, made my life so complete. he was that person. he was MY person. the person i was in love with. the person i am in love with. it’s weird how i could have so much feelings for someone who looked at me only as a friend. but i think. thats what they call love.

everything was fine with him until one day. he refused to msg me. he didnt reply any of my msgs. when i called, he didnt really bother talking. was i being too possessive? i tried to give him space but it was getting too obvious that he was purposely not replying me. i was hurt. i was shattered. tears gushed out as i said some prayer, to make things better for me. i wouldnt have cried so much if i didnt mean what i prayed for. i wouldnt have cried so much if he was an insignificant person in my life. the fact is, hes been a big part of my life that i cant lose. i cant get over him, it ll take time. but i dont think it really matters how i feel, does it? i just want him there. with me. im not asking for much. im not asking for him to be my boyfriend. nothing of that sort. hes my bestfriend. was. hm i dont know.

so there. my feelings.

bottomline is that i need him. and if anyone tries to take him away from me, it just means that that person is bound to break me. break every single part of me.

i wont survive. that i can say.

i want my happiness. i want him back.

please.

Add a comment July 10, 2008

fallen angel

She’s a fallen angel, sent from heaven up above
She’s a fallen angel, waitin for me to love her, yeah
(Know that she’s) She’s a fallen angel, take your judgment off her
I know, that she’s a fallen angel

You know, I could
Help her mend, her broken wings
So she can fly again
But I don’t, wanna lose everything that I’ve gained
Turnin me a selfish man (oh)
Cause without em my heart just don’t go, no more (no more)
I couldn’t take the pain, from watchin her fly away
So say that you’ll stay
She’s mine

okay. my heart hasnt been at ease. everything seems okay on the surface but inside, everything’s messed up. even though i should be the one who knows whats happening, i have no clue. seriously. i dont have any feeling even after what happened. and it seems like im immune to the pain. but when im alone and i start replaying whatever that happened, my heart feels pain. and i feel like i can just die.. ): cuz it truly fuckin hurts. i have no idea what to do. i really dont. if i cant put aside my feelings for him then maybe it’s over. maybe. probably. and i guess it doesnt matter to him. he doesnt care. thats the thing that hurts the most. after all ive done, after all we’ve been through, after all the crazy things we did together, after everything… i dont know if i can leave it all behind.. truthfully, i dont want to. cuz ive grown so attached to him. hes become a part of me that i thought i’d never lose. i didnt wanna lose him, initially. and i actually thought i’d do whatever it takes so that he’d still be a part of me. well, i realised it’s not that easy. i feel hurt. i feel like as if im drowning. and i dont wanna help myself back up to the surface. let me drown……..cuz maybe only then the pain will go away…..

):

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That’s leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose…you’re everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won’t let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

Add a comment June 14, 2008

missing my bestie

seeenah is sad.

seeenah wants her bestie here.

right now.

right here.

where is he.

what is he doing.

hope hes doing fine without me.

im sure hes fine.

aaaah. ok, so i was listening to the radio and when youre gone by avril lavigne played. i just thought of him. why! why him? i thought i could be without him. but it seems like im awaiting every sec, every min, every hour till he returns. it’s just sad that i love him this much. so much. ive never felt like this for anyone. but why him damnit! i just cant help this feeling. he makes me feel so complete. whenever im with him, my head gets all fuzzy, my heart beats a hundred times faster, my stomach feels funny, my legs go all wobbly! hehe.

baby, are you the one? cuz if you are, then im so glad i found you!

When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

I’ve never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

“im releasing my heart and it’s feeling amazing!……..”

Add a comment June 10, 2008

a pretty bleak night.

farhan is gonna kill me if he reads this. but, i watched “made of honour”. well, im not supposed to since we’re gonna watch it together after he comes back from kl. i just couldnt help myself. i needed to watch something. but know something, i cried. i cried so much. esp the part when the girl said that she needed someone who loves her. someone who truly cares for her. someone she can trust. and that she cant marry her bestfriend cuz she thinks hes not all that. it’s so sad cuz im feeling all that. this is gonna be so cliche but i dont wanna lose him. i really cant. i dont know how i’d be without him. i mean i ll survive, i definitely wont die and lets not exaggerate that part cuz i really wont! but the thing is, im just gonna feel that something is missing. my life isnt complete without him. i guess he hasnt realised how important he is to me. and yea, we do fight a lot over silly stuff but at the end of the day, we’re still good. it’s like we never fought. but yea i know it takes two hands to clap and in our situation, i feel like im the only helpless one. and ive been thinking that maybe i should give him some space cuz ive been trying my best to restrict him from doing some stuff like clubbing. cuz i just dont like the idea of him going. and he feels the same about me clubbing too. it’s just something not everyone can understand. and i dont know if he cares for me as much as i care for him. somehow, this feeling is fading cuz im always so annoyed with whatever he does. it kinda gets to me. i dont even know why. someday he ll know whats kept deep within this heart of mine. someday.

“Everything will change but the love remains the same…”

Add a comment June 8, 2008

change.

heyhey. im like bumming away, doing nothing and i feel like my body is slow degenerating. i might as well die. haha okay, no. but seriously. i need something to do.

anyway yesterday i was with my family. we couldnt decide where to go, as usual. we were thinking of jurong point, serangoon road for indian food, suntec city for indon food. haha. but my dad just drove to vivocity. yea, i know. of ALL places! they wanted to eat chicken rice, i almost freaked. cuz im on a no beef, no mutton, no chicken, no pork diet! hehe. so we decided on secret recipe. we always go there! ugh. anyway i had prawn penne with mushroom topped with mozarella cheese. it was yummy! the rest had food that wasnt edible for me. my mom got kinda pissed that i refused to eat chicken or beef. cuz she had some black pepper chicken and wanted me to try it. but bleehh. but hey, today she cooked sardine and some vege dish. haha. yea i know she loves me. anyway after dinner which was like around 9, we went to arab st. had tea at the famous place. it was freakin crowded. so we had to sit elsewhere. then my dad drove down to my grandaunt’s restaurant in bugis. she was there. so we were chatting, laughing away and realised it was already past midnight. haha. reached home around 1 and i was dead tired.

so i was thinking. and you know what it always leads to. haha. i feel that the more i seek for him, the harder i fall. it hurts even more. and i dont even get anything in the end. but i cant help myself. oh man, if only someone knows how i feel. anyone? then again, it’s not like as if he hasnt been treating me well. he has been okay, not too bad. ok whatever. seriously. haha.

& there’s nothing in this world that can stop me from loving you..

Add a comment June 2, 2008

just another day.

ok hey. im back again. i feel so stupid. i feel so sad. i feel so depressed. oh man, whats new seenah? no but seriously. ive led myself to my own downfall. again. and it’s so stupid how it all happen, dont even get me started cuz im not even gonna. but, you can ask a reliable source glory if youre really that curious (kpo more like!).

anyway today was my mommy’s 46th birthday. i love her, i swear i do. shes the greatest mom anyone can ever have. shes someone so understanding. shes someone so caring. her love for us is endless. and betcha ass my love for her is for life. the sacrifices she makes for us is just so great that i feel that im the luckiest daughter in the world. when i compare my life with some of my friends, i realised how blessed i am to have a mom like her. shes ever so funny. she tries not to be sensitive when i joke with her. she works hard and pays my bill. heh. she lightens my day every morning just by being there, preparing my breakfast. and she ll be there before i leave for sch and when i come back, shes there again. her presence makes me feel complete. i dont know how i’d live without her. i never thought of that, really. i dont even wanna think about it. ok sometimes i do. heh. like that time in the bus, i was listening to some emo song, and i thought about all that and i just started tearing. well, i never told anyone about it cuz it’s stupid and also cuz, no one knows how deep my love for my mommy is. but on the other hand, there are times when she bugs me, she pisses me off, she makes me cry. even so, when i think about all the things that she has done, all the negativity sort of disappears. i love you, mommy. i really do. i never wanna hurt your feelings. i want you to always be there, watch me grow old, watch my kids grow up. i never wanna lose you. happy 46th bday!

so i met my mom after sch. i finally got my pair of jeans from levis’. my aunt told me im fat now. im kinda bummed about that, though it’s true. ive gained like a zillion kg. my cousin was telling me about some diet she took up. well, sorta. and she lost 15kg in a month! if i lost 15kg, no doubt i’d be skinny! yeay! haha. basically, she eats one meal a day. yes, only one meal. no breakfast. no lunch. she eats in the late afternoon and no food for the next 24hrs. if she gets really hungry, she ll drink low fat strawberry milk. how cool man. i need to lose weight. so i was in town with my mommy, sisters, aunt and cousin. we had lunch/dinner at some indon place. i didnt eat meat. i had gado-gado, which is basically beancurd(those fried ones), cucumber, tauge, cabbages with peanut sauce and keropok on top. thats some vege stuff aye? ive decided to reduce my intake of meat and carbs, that includes rice. besides, it’s good for my health. fyi, beef meat decomposes in your stomach. & eating chicken increases the tendency to get breakouts. eurgh.

i bumped into chun yin and tzuhui in the toilet just now. it was so funny! chunyin’s not changed. shes as cute as ever! i swear. haha i miss that girl. and as for tzu hui…well…..haha as blur looking as ever! =P (only glory will understand) heh. i met suhailah too! it was just so good to see these people. heee.

ok im gon sleep now. im exhausted from all the travelling today.

night.

i may have failed but ive loved you from the start.

“there’re so many fishes in the sea, why choose the one with a small head? something to ponder about..”

Add a comment May 30, 2008

i was doing a quiz on tickle.com and i came across this interesting one, “does he fancy you?” i did it and this was what i got. kinda disappointed. but oh well!

Oh dear, it looks as if he’s just being friendly!

Add a comment May 18, 2008