down, down, down…..

i stayed home for two consecutive days and the two days were the worst two days ive had for this month! i dont know why every little thing seems to get on my fuckin nerves. i just wanna scream and maybe die. maybe. i spent my two days watching a sappy japanese movie which lasted for more than 11 hours. and yea. i cried my lungs out. now my eyes are swollen and ugly. i realised i cried, probably cuz of the show. but also it was just releasing all that i had inside me. ive to admit, ive been bottling up the many things that happened over the past weeks. just that, i didnt have the chance to tell anyone about it. maybe i did, but i just didnt feel like telling. i wouldnt wanna be a burden. thats what he always says. im hurting inside and ive no idea why. no one did anything, thats for sure. i just feel empty i guess. and i feel like ive been neglected by many. friends esp. i guess theyre just too busy with their lives. i learnt that i shouldnt be dependent on them but… but.. i need them ): my mom’s always nagging all the fuckin time that sometimes i hope she loses her voice. yea to that extent cuz i cant take it. ugh. my dad’s not speaking to me. how great. not that it makes a fuckin difference.

im just empty. so fuckin empty.

hear me….

cuz im damaged.

Add a comment November 30, 2008

one litre of tears

ive never cried so much. okay maybe i have but it’s been long since i last did. im watching this japanese drama about a dying girl; one litre of tears. and it all seem to hit me hard. it’s like as if i opened the gate of tears and it just wouldnt stop flowing. haha but im sad. i really am. the thing about me, i always tend to relate it to my life. and right now, i feel like i havent accomplished anything. people may see me as someone who is full of joy or whatever but no one really knows what im feeling inside. i just need a break from this.

so i went for a run just now. i actually contemplated if i should run. i just decided to cuz i needed to feel good again. anyhow, my stamina is zero. all those trainings that i had for the Will Run and Nike Human Race have gone to waste. maybe. probably. guess it’s back to running.

i need smthg new.

but i miss my bestie. ex bestie?

Add a comment November 30, 2008

i was supposed to blog on 20th, the day i finished the big As but i just didnt have the time to. or maybe, i was just too lazy. ok that must probably be it. haha. anyways so much has happened since i last blogged. both good and bad, i must say.

so 7th October 2008 was pretty awesome. though i must say, it could have been better. 07 bday celebrations is still the bestest. i had tuition the night before my bday. i was supposed to meet shahul but he couldnt make it in the end cuz of work. but anyway a few ppl called to wish me, erm zac, kavina, paveena plus the bday wishes by some others. haha anyway i had pre As exams on my freakin bday, dammit! so i went to sch as per normal. gui wasnt there though cuz her grandmother passed away so she hadta be in jb for the funeral. i was bummed. but hey, there was nothing i could have done. im sorry for you loss though ;p anyways bobo came out of nowhere and gave me a balloon with three hotties on it! hahah smthg ive always wanted, yes. haha she gave me a flower too. haha i was glad! oh and to think i woke up with a smile. hehe awesomeee. yea so after the chem paper, we had the review and stuff. afterwhich i rushed to the locker cuz i was gonna be late to meet the girls. just as i was about to go, the whole class surrounded me, and bobo came with a muffin and a candle on it. haha it was cuteee. but i was seriously embarrassed. hahaha so we left. oh and i had to carry the balloon with three half naked hotties on it, total embarrassment. heh so i went home, got changed. i was late, three hours late right glory? hahah yeap so i met the girls at bugis. came with a total surprise too cuz the ppl i thought wasnt gonna be there were there! likee, paveena and alisa. haha bitches! oh and like, the waiters and waitresses came with a cake plus they sang for me. haha surprise surprise huh. but embarassing. seriously :S haha anyways kavina and glory (such spoliers!) had to leave so i was with pav, alisa and sandy. we went to bugis st. i had no idea why but i just followed. and like, ended up, they had some photoshoot for me. i couldnt say no though i had a feeling it was gonna be quite a bad idea. haha it wasnt la actually. heh so after that i had ta remove my super fake eyelashes and some of the make up cuz the make up artist was literally painting my face! haha disgusting! yea, so then all the girls had to leave and i was left to wait alone for musa. alonee! dammit. how could anyone ever leave the bday girl alone! hahaha yea i was pretty upset. but han called (: funny thing, i didnt meet him on my bday. sad actually. i cant forget sweet han last year ;p anyways when musa finally came, we walked all the way to esplanade. had desserts at thai express. then walked to the mrt, took a train to kembangan. the walk home from kembangan was (: (: haha go figure!

i missed the econs paper the next day cuz i was too tired. slept at 3. haha i realised, i havent done anything that i am legal for ever since my bday. bummer! so As are finally overr. it was the worst experienced ive ever had. but i think it’s mainly cuz i didnt start my revision early. i was like on gear 2 (still!) till the very last where i switched to gear 10! haha get what i mean? i had sleepless nights on the first week. cuz it was the worst.

GP: the essay wasnt that bad, i guess. i hope. but paper 2 sucked so much. i had no idea what i was reading, what i was writing. it’s crazyyy. so the feeling kinda made me work harder for the rest of the papers.

MATH P1: shit shit shit! it was kinda full of crap. i think i lost about 20 marks?

BIO P2: another shit ass paper. i could do probably the qns where they asked for definitions cuz i kinda memorised all that i could. oh well.

CHEM P3: hmm, it was alright. it was the best paper i had in that week. but still, i wasnt 100% confident. i made a few mistakes here and there.

MATH P2: it was wayy better than paper 1. i loved the stats qn! haha and some other i could do. heh overall, it was an okay paper.

CHEM P2: when i started doing the paper, i was like. whats with cambridge. whyre they giving such easy qns. then i came to the last qn where i was stucked on for the rest of the 45 mins i had. and i didnt know it was worth 21 marks until eugenia told me. hahah

ECONS: fuck fuck fuck. i didnt study much for this paper. and im thinking now, why didnt i? i had so much in mind. i was restless. i was crazy. and i thought, at that time, screw this paper! but oh man. i was stupid. i cant believe myself. ugh. what the hell was i thinking!

CHEM P1: it was shittttttt. the worst chem paper ive had. seriously. guessing game it was! hahah

BIO P3: it was alright i guess. i cant exactly remember cuz i was more excited about going to the salon. haha

BIO P1: it was alright (:

i guess i ended As well. i have no idea whats gonna happen next. i dont know why but right now i feel that i dont want him, or anyone for that matter. it’s just a feeling. a feeling that i can do whatever i want. haha i feel that i need to see some specialist. my mind is really not working with me!

sneaking out tonight, wonder if it ll really work out. im scared. hahahaha

Add a comment November 25, 2008