it’s raining, raining.

i thought my week was gonna be perfect. i thought everything was gonna be okay. i thought i was gonna be strong enough to go through this phase. but im wrong. im so wrong. there are just some things that i havent been telling my close friends. prolly cuz i dont see the reason to. prolly cuz i thought (again) i could go through it alone. but i cant. though im trying. im trying real hard to let go of everything that i need to. maybe im succeeding. i dont know. only time will tell, i guess. speaking of which, i havent been using my time wisely. prelims in 3 weeks. ive got nothing prepared. i dont feel prepared. i need someone to shake me and start telling me, “this is it, either you make it or not dammit!” right so anyway. i just realised my need for someone. i just feel that it is now that i wanna be with someone. get serious, get emotionally attached, get naughty. heh. one reason why im feeling this way may be cuz my close friends are involved/getting involved in some big bgr. and im just somewhere. nowhere near, not so far away either. and i feel that sometimes they dont share much stuff with me or even come to me for advice only cuz im not going through it. ive been through shit. thats all i can say. and do i get anythg out of the shit? not a single piece of gold. my heart sinks everytime i see a happy couple. oh wait! it doesnt sink as much when i see a lil cute baby with his mommy. i’d wanna feel that way too. the kinda feeling you get when you have your baby so near you and all you wanna do is keep it close to you and never let go. ahhhhh, give me a damn baby! i’d trade anythg for it! heh. ok. this is what you get when you add emotional night & first day of period & bad and tiring day & annoying mom who wouldnt leave you alone! fuck this shit.

im gone.

Add a comment July 26, 2008

reality is finally setting in. hes out with a girl. how great right? ok im supposed to be happy. i am, on the surface but deep down.. im so crushed. UGH. and i cant stop the tears. why is this happening. i knew all along that nothing was gonna happen between us. i know i know. but im not ready to accept the fact that hes seeing someone. we’re besties. im supposed to be happy for him. but the feeling. indescribable ):

Add a comment July 15, 2008

the first time i met him. he was funny. ever so charming. the way he walked. the way he carried himself. his style. my heart captured it all. i didnt know who he was initially. but i do know that he was someone i could have fun with, always making me laugh. then it occured to me that my cousin was in the process of getting to know him. so there i was, clueless of what was going on. but i knew deep down that i had a teeny crush on this pakistani mixed boy. since my cousin had something going on with him, i thought ‘okay maybe i should just let them be, support them all the way. cuz you know thats what cousins are for’. but as days passed, i somehow felt more for him. and the feeling didnt stop growing.

i lived two years knowing that my cousin is wit the guy i couldnt be with. the guy im in love with. the guy who never fail to make me smile. i got close to him. talked to him every night. but i guess, he only talked to him cuz he felt bad since he knew about how i felt about him. which guy would talk to a girl he knows has feelings for him? normal guys would avoid me. but he didnt. so anyway his rship with my cousin grew. my heart ached every time i hear anythg about them. my heart ached whenever i see them together. once i saw them kissing and i almost died. well, yea almost. i put up a brave front cuz i wanted my cousin to know that i’d support her, whatever it takes. cuz we’re blood. deep down, i was shattered. i cried every time i came home from our usually gatherings. cuz my heart just couldnt take the pain. but as time went by, i cried less. and even much lesser cuz the i was immune to the pain. it was like a usual thing.

soon, he became my bestfriend. someone i rely on. he was my company. he was the person i looked for whenever i had something exciting to share. he was the person i told everythg to. he was the person who i felt, made my life so complete. he was that person. he was MY person. the person i was in love with. the person i am in love with. it’s weird how i could have so much feelings for someone who looked at me only as a friend. but i think. thats what they call love.

everything was fine with him until one day. he refused to msg me. he didnt reply any of my msgs. when i called, he didnt really bother talking. was i being too possessive? i tried to give him space but it was getting too obvious that he was purposely not replying me. i was hurt. i was shattered. tears gushed out as i said some prayer, to make things better for me. i wouldnt have cried so much if i didnt mean what i prayed for. i wouldnt have cried so much if he was an insignificant person in my life. the fact is, hes been a big part of my life that i cant lose. i cant get over him, it ll take time. but i dont think it really matters how i feel, does it? i just want him there. with me. im not asking for much. im not asking for him to be my boyfriend. nothing of that sort. hes my bestfriend. was. hm i dont know.

so there. my feelings.

bottomline is that i need him. and if anyone tries to take him away from me, it just means that that person is bound to break me. break every single part of me.

i wont survive. that i can say.

i want my happiness. i want him back.

please.

Add a comment July 10, 2008