smthg smthg.

yeah hi, im back. ive been bumming around at home. im bored to death. but a few days ago, a familiar friend asked me out. and our lunch date turned out awesome.

i went for arm and underarm waxing with this lady who lives in simei and it only cost me 17 bucks. how freakin cheap! and on top of that, her house is clean and she’s a nicee lady. so all’s gd. she’s gonna be my permanent waxing ladyy(:

then hashir came to fetch me in his mom’s car which is pretty awesome. haha hes been working out so he looks gd. we had lunch at pizza hut then headed to east coast where the bum refused to walk! haha but anyway i had an awesome time with him. he can be such great company. ive been thinking a lot about it actually. but nahh. he has his reasons. but im cool wit it i guess. i gueessss!!! haha

bummer.

so my dad’s not in town. ive no plans. no plans. no fuckin plans. or probably i should rephrase that. ive no friends! no fuckin friends. glorie’s not around. she wont be coming back till next year. either second or third week of jan. how sucky is that righttt. damnn. bobo’s in msia. shes coming back next week, i think. the people im close with are all attached. alisa, pav, yvonne. i havent been in touch with toon. and i feel that the only reason why i feel neglected is cuz ive been neglecting some people around me. but i dunno why, i just dont feel like doing anythg. i know im a bum! i know i should totally do smthg but. ugh. i seriously need to do smthg. im gonna start running again. hopefully.

i need something new.

Add a comment December 21, 2008

down, down, down…..

i stayed home for two consecutive days and the two days were the worst two days ive had for this month! i dont know why every little thing seems to get on my fuckin nerves. i just wanna scream and maybe die. maybe. i spent my two days watching a sappy japanese movie which lasted for more than 11 hours. and yea. i cried my lungs out. now my eyes are swollen and ugly. i realised i cried, probably cuz of the show. but also it was just releasing all that i had inside me. ive to admit, ive been bottling up the many things that happened over the past weeks. just that, i didnt have the chance to tell anyone about it. maybe i did, but i just didnt feel like telling. i wouldnt wanna be a burden. thats what he always says. im hurting inside and ive no idea why. no one did anything, thats for sure. i just feel empty i guess. and i feel like ive been neglected by many. friends esp. i guess theyre just too busy with their lives. i learnt that i shouldnt be dependent on them but… but.. i need them ): my mom’s always nagging all the fuckin time that sometimes i hope she loses her voice. yea to that extent cuz i cant take it. ugh. my dad’s not speaking to me. how great. not that it makes a fuckin difference.

im just empty. so fuckin empty.

hear me….

cuz im damaged.

Add a comment November 30, 2008

one litre of tears

ive never cried so much. okay maybe i have but it’s been long since i last did. im watching this japanese drama about a dying girl; one litre of tears. and it all seem to hit me hard. it’s like as if i opened the gate of tears and it just wouldnt stop flowing. haha but im sad. i really am. the thing about me, i always tend to relate it to my life. and right now, i feel like i havent accomplished anything. people may see me as someone who is full of joy or whatever but no one really knows what im feeling inside. i just need a break from this.

so i went for a run just now. i actually contemplated if i should run. i just decided to cuz i needed to feel good again. anyhow, my stamina is zero. all those trainings that i had for the Will Run and Nike Human Race have gone to waste. maybe. probably. guess it’s back to running.

i need smthg new.

but i miss my bestie. ex bestie?

Add a comment November 30, 2008

i was supposed to blog on 20th, the day i finished the big As but i just didnt have the time to. or maybe, i was just too lazy. ok that must probably be it. haha. anyways so much has happened since i last blogged. both good and bad, i must say.

so 7th October 2008 was pretty awesome. though i must say, it could have been better. 07 bday celebrations is still the bestest. i had tuition the night before my bday. i was supposed to meet shahul but he couldnt make it in the end cuz of work. but anyway a few ppl called to wish me, erm zac, kavina, paveena plus the bday wishes by some others. haha anyway i had pre As exams on my freakin bday, dammit! so i went to sch as per normal. gui wasnt there though cuz her grandmother passed away so she hadta be in jb for the funeral. i was bummed. but hey, there was nothing i could have done. im sorry for you loss though ;p anyways bobo came out of nowhere and gave me a balloon with three hotties on it! hahah smthg ive always wanted, yes. haha she gave me a flower too. haha i was glad! oh and to think i woke up with a smile. hehe awesomeee. yea so after the chem paper, we had the review and stuff. afterwhich i rushed to the locker cuz i was gonna be late to meet the girls. just as i was about to go, the whole class surrounded me, and bobo came with a muffin and a candle on it. haha it was cuteee. but i was seriously embarrassed. hahaha so we left. oh and i had to carry the balloon with three half naked hotties on it, total embarrassment. heh so i went home, got changed. i was late, three hours late right glory? hahah yeap so i met the girls at bugis. came with a total surprise too cuz the ppl i thought wasnt gonna be there were there! likee, paveena and alisa. haha bitches! oh and like, the waiters and waitresses came with a cake plus they sang for me. haha surprise surprise huh. but embarassing. seriously :S haha anyways kavina and glory (such spoliers!) had to leave so i was with pav, alisa and sandy. we went to bugis st. i had no idea why but i just followed. and like, ended up, they had some photoshoot for me. i couldnt say no though i had a feeling it was gonna be quite a bad idea. haha it wasnt la actually. heh so after that i had ta remove my super fake eyelashes and some of the make up cuz the make up artist was literally painting my face! haha disgusting! yea, so then all the girls had to leave and i was left to wait alone for musa. alonee! dammit. how could anyone ever leave the bday girl alone! hahaha yea i was pretty upset. but han called (: funny thing, i didnt meet him on my bday. sad actually. i cant forget sweet han last year ;p anyways when musa finally came, we walked all the way to esplanade. had desserts at thai express. then walked to the mrt, took a train to kembangan. the walk home from kembangan was (: (: haha go figure!

i missed the econs paper the next day cuz i was too tired. slept at 3. haha i realised, i havent done anything that i am legal for ever since my bday. bummer! so As are finally overr. it was the worst experienced ive ever had. but i think it’s mainly cuz i didnt start my revision early. i was like on gear 2 (still!) till the very last where i switched to gear 10! haha get what i mean? i had sleepless nights on the first week. cuz it was the worst.

GP: the essay wasnt that bad, i guess. i hope. but paper 2 sucked so much. i had no idea what i was reading, what i was writing. it’s crazyyy. so the feeling kinda made me work harder for the rest of the papers.

MATH P1: shit shit shit! it was kinda full of crap. i think i lost about 20 marks?

BIO P2: another shit ass paper. i could do probably the qns where they asked for definitions cuz i kinda memorised all that i could. oh well.

CHEM P3: hmm, it was alright. it was the best paper i had in that week. but still, i wasnt 100% confident. i made a few mistakes here and there.

MATH P2: it was wayy better than paper 1. i loved the stats qn! haha and some other i could do. heh overall, it was an okay paper.

CHEM P2: when i started doing the paper, i was like. whats with cambridge. whyre they giving such easy qns. then i came to the last qn where i was stucked on for the rest of the 45 mins i had. and i didnt know it was worth 21 marks until eugenia told me. hahah

ECONS: fuck fuck fuck. i didnt study much for this paper. and im thinking now, why didnt i? i had so much in mind. i was restless. i was crazy. and i thought, at that time, screw this paper! but oh man. i was stupid. i cant believe myself. ugh. what the hell was i thinking!

CHEM P1: it was shittttttt. the worst chem paper ive had. seriously. guessing game it was! hahah

BIO P3: it was alright i guess. i cant exactly remember cuz i was more excited about going to the salon. haha

BIO P1: it was alright (:

i guess i ended As well. i have no idea whats gonna happen next. i dont know why but right now i feel that i dont want him, or anyone for that matter. it’s just a feeling. a feeling that i can do whatever i want. haha i feel that i need to see some specialist. my mind is really not working with me!

sneaking out tonight, wonder if it ll really work out. im scared. hahahaha

Add a comment November 25, 2008

i finally met up with the girls on friday. dinner was rather simple but the company was awesome. things never changed with them. the bitchy vibe and sarcasm still live amongst us. i think thats the best part of it all. once a bitch, always a bitch aye girls? i love y’all!

so anyway im expecting my period which explains for the instability of hormones. i am not feeling much of the effect but my friends are. and surprisingly, theyre the only two feeling it. could it be that the reason why im like this is beyond the hormone change? i have noo idea. but i do havta admit i havent been myself and im sorry. i cant help it. i cant help this feeling and i dont know why. whenever you ask if im okay, i obviously will say that i am cuz friends lie. they fuckin ass do. if i ask a friend if im fat and she says no, shes lying! so im concluding that friends do lie. about almost everything, in fact, so as not to hurt others. so if i say youre pretty, you probably arent. hahaha! ok shut up.

totally instable state of mind.

i might just breakdown anytime.

anytime.

anywhere.

2 comments September 20, 2008

i just feel like blogging. ive been having some mixed feelings lately. i felt pretty weird today. i feel like im easily irritable nowadays. okay, when am i not, you may ask. but it’s different. cuz every little thing that a person does annoys the hell out of me. sadly, it’s happening with my close friends too. i feel bad, to think that my loved ones are annoying lil bitches. haha. ooops? it aint my fault. the hormones are coming. real real soon. but anyway so much has happened over the last few weeks.

1. i did something, ok well more than one thing, that was out of the norm. ive never done it. but technically, i didnt do it. it happened. i couldnt stop it. i felt so damn helpless. i didnt wanna continue. i tried to stop. but… but… i wasnt in control. it felt like a dream. it felt like a fantasy. something i never thought could happen. esp the place where it happened. i swear you’d laugh in shock if you knew. yea, if only you knew. but you dont so too bad. heh. but just for the record, im still a virgin. may God bless me!

2. prelims finally ended three weeks back. it past so fast. results arent fantastic. but i improved which is a good sign. if i work hard, i’d definitely be able to make it. but how well i do it depends solely on how hard i work. im already feeling the stressed when i heard about the awesomastic bombastic results my cousin from tpjc got. almost straight As. it kinda dampened my spirit. the whole comparing of results once it’s released is gonna happen. im just hoping history wont repeat. everytime i think about it, it spurs me on to work even harder. but i hate the competition esp when it’s between cousins. dont even mention about competition amongst my peers. im feeling it already. but im going with my own pace, if i suddenly decide to sprint, then we’ll see. haha this whole studying period will bring me to my next point.

3. i was feeling down in school just now. i didnt talk much in the morning. the blues is really getting into me. i was just thinking about my birthday. my bday last year was well spent with my loved ones. excluding my family and my close friends in jc. it was the best so far. but this year, im gonna have the most depressing and dull one. i have all the rights in this fuckin world to complain. my bday is gone this year. but if it is worth sacrificing, i wont sulk, promise! if it means good results. and hey, i’d celebrate after As right? right? man, i have no idea what my parents have in store for me next year. only God knows. then again, my parents make wise decisions for me. so all’s good.

im gonna do some studying now even though im dead tired. see y’all.

Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.

– WInston Churchill

Add a comment September 17, 2008

i wasnt supposed to blog but i read gui’s blog. i feel so bad now. haha you know i didnt do it on purpose. you know i didnt do it cuz i dont like you as you know for sure youre always in my overcrowding heart. hahah. and who knows maybe you might just get a super nice one, so so much nicer than youknowwhose! hahaha. ok whoops. i just hate to make someone upset. esp when im not conscious of it. heh. the princess would like to apologise sincerely to gui. (: im so totally forgiven man!

i will blog later, maybe. i need the emo mood. hahah im too happy, for now.

Add a comment September 12, 2008

thunder

im blogging again? is that a good sign? well, maybe. but it’s 3 in the morning now and i have no idea what im doing up and awake. though i havta admit that it is a pretty awesome time to blog cuz you feel like you own the world. yay for seeeenah! heh. right anyways. it was national day. and in my 17 years of life, i never felt so doomed before. national day used to be a pretty exciting day where i would normally make plans to watch the fireworks. but it was different last night. i was stoned. i heard the fireworks though. and it gave me a sad feeling. this sad feeling that i wasnt able to watch it with anyone. not because i didnt want to but because no one actually asked me out. i have no idea why i always drown myself in self pity. it’s funny if you think about it. i do feel sad for me. oh cheer up seeenah! lol. these past few days, or even weeks. ive been trying to put on a great smile. i settled for just a smile. cuz i cant help this feeling. the feeling of emptiness. i dont feel complete. i dont feel contented. i dont feel like ive achieved anything. even though i try to sound happy, even though i try to be happy, the person deep deep deeeep down within me isnt. shes sad. and alone. and confused. everything a girl never ever wanted. but why am i feeling this way? maybe cuz ive not entirely gotten over him, though i keep telling myself hes history. maybe cuz the person i want isnt here. i dont even know who i want actually. i have a description of him though. haha. maybe i can only find him in heaven. =P so i guess right now, this moment. im not gonna feel sad. ok i ll try not to be! sheesh. i just havta enjoy each and every moment of my precious time spent with my books. cuz it’s mugging, mugging, mugging all the way honay!

good night.

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation
For what I’m feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there’s a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you’re unlike any other?
You’ll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don’t wanna ever love another
You’ll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Add a comment August 10, 2008

it’s raining, raining.

i thought my week was gonna be perfect. i thought everything was gonna be okay. i thought i was gonna be strong enough to go through this phase. but im wrong. im so wrong. there are just some things that i havent been telling my close friends. prolly cuz i dont see the reason to. prolly cuz i thought (again) i could go through it alone. but i cant. though im trying. im trying real hard to let go of everything that i need to. maybe im succeeding. i dont know. only time will tell, i guess. speaking of which, i havent been using my time wisely. prelims in 3 weeks. ive got nothing prepared. i dont feel prepared. i need someone to shake me and start telling me, “this is it, either you make it or not dammit!” right so anyway. i just realised my need for someone. i just feel that it is now that i wanna be with someone. get serious, get emotionally attached, get naughty. heh. one reason why im feeling this way may be cuz my close friends are involved/getting involved in some big bgr. and im just somewhere. nowhere near, not so far away either. and i feel that sometimes they dont share much stuff with me or even come to me for advice only cuz im not going through it. ive been through shit. thats all i can say. and do i get anythg out of the shit? not a single piece of gold. my heart sinks everytime i see a happy couple. oh wait! it doesnt sink as much when i see a lil cute baby with his mommy. i’d wanna feel that way too. the kinda feeling you get when you have your baby so near you and all you wanna do is keep it close to you and never let go. ahhhhh, give me a damn baby! i’d trade anythg for it! heh. ok. this is what you get when you add emotional night & first day of period & bad and tiring day & annoying mom who wouldnt leave you alone! fuck this shit.

im gone.

Add a comment July 26, 2008

reality is finally setting in. hes out with a girl. how great right? ok im supposed to be happy. i am, on the surface but deep down.. im so crushed. UGH. and i cant stop the tears. why is this happening. i knew all along that nothing was gonna happen between us. i know i know. but im not ready to accept the fact that hes seeing someone. we’re besties. im supposed to be happy for him. but the feeling. indescribable ):

Add a comment July 15, 2008